So, I just had a meeting with my life coach—and you know all kinds of stuff tends to come up in those sessions. We were talking about why it’s been so hard for me to find a new job since losing my last one. I said job hunting feels overwhelming. Like, you get on LinkedIn and half the time you’re wondering if the posting is even real. The other half, you see that 200 people have already applied, and you just think… why bother?
Then she said something that stopped me in my tracks:
“Why do you tell yourself why me instead of why not me?”
Whewww. That one hit deep.
As usual with our sessions, that one question cracked open a whole can of worms. I realized I’ve been telling myself I’m not good enough—and that I probably can’t—for a long time now.
The truth is, getting into the habit of negative self-talk is way too easy. According to research, our brains are wired to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones. It’s called negativity bias. Back in the day, it helped us survive. Now? It shows up as a voice in our head that tells us to stay small, stay scared, and stay stuck.
As a woman with goals and big dreams, it’s frustrating when something keeps getting in the way. But what really sucks? When that something… is you. Or is it?
Let’s be real—negative self-talk isn’t really you. It’s a mix of old stories, internalized stuff, and lies you’ve heard so many times that you started to believe them.
But here’s the good news: if we learned how to talk down to ourselves, we can learn to big ourselves up too. We can build a new inner voice that feels like love. Like truth. Like power.
In this post, I’m sharing real steps to help you shift the story in your head. It’s time to take your power back—and I’m doing it right along with you. Let’s go.
What Negative Self-Talk Really Sounds Like
For me, negative self-talk shows up in all kinds of ways. Let’s go back to job hunting, for example. It’s a pain in the butt, isn’t it? Some of these listings almost sound too good to be true. They make the job sound so fancy, and then you scroll down to the qualifications and start thinking:
“I don’t think I’m good enough for this.”
Just like that—you’re out. You hold yourself back before you even try.
Or maybe you do feel like the role is a good fit, but then you see that 200 people have already applied. That inner voice pops in again:
“Those people probably have it all together. I’m a mess.”
And you don’t even click the ‘apply’ button.
Let’s say you do go for it and start writing your cover letter. Then suddenly, your brain chimes in with:
“This isn’t good enough. This is going to take forever.”
You get stuck. You lose momentum. You close the laptop and walk away.
No matter what stage you’re in, it feels like that voice is always waiting—ready to remind you you’re not enough, or that you’re just wasting your time. And the worst part? Every time you talk yourself out of trying, you chip away at your own confidence just a little more. Over time, those tiny cracks add up, and you end up feeling stuck at square one… but heavier.
As I laid all of this out to my life coach, she asked me something simple but heavy:
“Where did those thoughts come from?”
Then she told me to think back—way back—to the first time I was made to feel like I wasn’t good enough.
Where Those Harsh Thoughts Come From
So I thought about what my life coach said. The first memory that came up was when I dropped out of my doctoral program in the School of Public Health. Whew—that was a whole thing, chile.
Even though my interests had shifted and I knew deep down it wasn’t for me anymore, I just couldn’t let it go. I felt like such a failure. No matter how much I wanted to do well, I didn’t have the tools or the support. And it hurt.
To this day, my dad still asks me,
“Are you ever going to go back to school?”
And every time he does, it makes me pause. 🤔
My dad was really set on me becoming a Dr. I know he didn’t mean anything harmful by that question—but it brought up a lot. It made me think about how I was raised. I had to do well in school. I had to go to college. I never even questioned it.
If I brought home anything below a B, I got in trouble. The expectation was: go to school, get a good job, make a lot of money, and secure the family legacy. I was the “smart one,” the ambitious child. The one who was going to take us further. My dad used to joke that I’d be the one taking care of him one day.
Fast forward to now? I’m nowhere near that—at least in my mind.
And in today’s economy? For us millennials, it feels like we’re doing worse than our parents were at our age. I’m 33. I was supposed to be rich, married, and have 2.5 kids by now. But here I am—with two degrees and unemployed. I don’t own a home. I don’t even own my own car.
As a kid, I was an overachiever. As an adult, I feel like a bum.
And that realization stung.
It hit me that a lot of the self-doubt I carry now might actually come from the pressure I grew up with—both from my environment and from myself. Pressure to succeed. Pressure to be “the one.” So now, when I go to apply for jobs, that pressure comes rushing in. And I talk myself down… before I even get started.
Rewriting the Script in Real Life
Seeing as though this conversation with my life coach happened just last weekend, it’s safe to say I’m still figuring out how to change that inner dialogue. But even realizing that the voice in my head isn’t me—that it’s something I learned—has been freeing.
Having a life coach has helped me ask deeper questions than I’d ask myself. And chile, they’re not always easy to answer. I sit with her questions long after our session ends.
I think I finally reached my breaking point after something my mom said. I was venting to her about how frustrated I was—being a stay-at-home mom, trying to survive on one income, feeling stuck. And she said,
“Well, you must not be that tired of it.”
It brought me right back to that old saying: you’ve gotta be sick and tired of being sick and tired.
And at first? I thought, dang… maybe she’s right. Up to that point, I hadn’t done anything to really change my situation. I let the negative thoughts get the best of me. I let them talk me out of applying for jobs, starting new projects, dreaming bigger.
But then again? She was wrong too. Because I was sick and tired. I just didn’t know how to move past the mental blocks that were keeping me stuck.
I told all of this to my life coach. Her whole job is to help me stay accountable to what I say I want—and that conversation helped me realize something big:
If I really want to move beyond my circumstances, I’ve got to stop beating myself up.
One thing I’ve been learning through coaching is that I have to be my own advocate first. No one can support me better than me. That means doing a better job at encouraging myself, backing myself up, and speaking to myself like someone I actually care about.
I’m done holding myself back.
It’s time to change the way I talk to me.
Practices That Help You Talk to Yourself with Grace
🖊️ Journaling to Hear Yourself Clearly
One tool I always return to is journaling. Not just writing to vent, but writing to understand. It helps me spot patterns, connect the dots, and get to the root of thoughts I’ve been dragging around for years. I don’t always like what I uncover, but it’s honest. And healing can’t happen without honesty.
Getting started is actually simple. This post is basically a page from my own journal. 😉
Here’s a journaling exercise you can try:
- Think of a time when you felt stuck, afraid, or talked yourself out of something.
- Write down the exact things you said to yourself.
- Ask: Where did those thoughts come from? When did I start believing that?
Awareness is key. Once you find the root, you can start to shift it.
🧘🏾♀️ Practicing Mindfulness Without Judging Yourself
I’ve also been learning about mindfulness lately—and it’s been surprisingly helpful. The core idea? Be aware of what your mind is doing without judging yourself for it. That means when a negative thought comes up, you don’t have to pretend it’s not there. You just say, “Okay, I see you,” and let it pass instead of letting it take over.
💬 Give Your Inner Critic a Name
Some people even give their inner critic a name.
Mine? I call her Felicia.
And when she starts talking nonsense, I just say,
“Okay girl, I see you… but not today. Bye, Felicia.”
It sounds silly, but trust me—it makes a difference. Try it.
💫 Visualize the Version of You You’re Becoming
Lastly, my life coach gave me something really cool to try. She asked me:
“What part of you is dying to come out—but you’ve been keeping bottled up?”
I told her it was my boss girl energy—that part of me with vision and ambition who gets things done.
She told me to use ChatGPT: give it a description of that version of me and include a picture of myself. Let it generate an image of who I’m becoming. I did it—and honestly? I loved how it turned out.
What really got me was the picture of the baby. This boss woman had a purpose. That little detail hit me hard. It reminded me why I’m doing all of this in the first place.
Now, whenever I start to doubt myself, I pull up that image. It helps me step into her—the version of me I’ve been holding back.
📸 Create Your Own Boss Energy Image
Ready to create your own visual reminder?
Here’s a prompt you can use to generate your own “boss version” of yourself using ChatGPT or an image generator. Feel free to tweak it however you want. You can even include a picture of yourself to make it more real:
Prompt to copy and paste:
“Create a realistic, empowering image of the highest version of me. She’s ambitious, confident, and grounded. She looks like a Black woman in her 30s with [insert your hairstyle, style, or vibe here], dressed in something stylish but powerful. She has a warm energy and is doing it all for herself and her baby/family/purpose.”
Let this image be your reminder. Save it. Print it. Make her your phone background. When that negative voice shows up, look at her—and remember who you’re becoming.
If you do this, tag me or message me. I’d love to meet her too. 💛
The Quiet Victory of Speaking Kindly to Yourself
Doing this work has helped me feel so much better about myself—and about the journey I’m on. Is it perfect? Not at all. I still catch myself slipping into negative self-talk. (Sometimes my husband even points it out—and whew, that’s humbling.)
But the difference now? I notice it. I pause. I choose again.
And above all else—I keep trying.
Even when I don’t get it right, I remind myself that trying is the win. Every time I choose grace over shame, I’m building a different kind of foundation.
When my thoughts start spiraling or I feel discouraged, I just look at my son. That sweet little face has a way of bringing me back to what matters. My coach always asks me,
“What do you want to teach him about how to talk to himself?”
I want him to be brave. To go after what he wants. To believe in himself—even when it’s hard.
And here’s the thing I didn’t expect: it’s not as easy to model that as it sounds.
It hit me that I don’t want him growing up watching his mama being hard on herself all the time. I don’t want him to think that being self-critical is normal.
I want him to learn compassion—because he saw it in me first.
So I keep showing up. Not just for me, but for him.
Because the way I talk to myself? That’s part of what I’m teaching him, too.
Conclusion: You Deserve to Be on Your Own Side
Negative self-talk doesn’t go away overnight. It takes time. It takes patience. And it takes a whole lot of unlearning.
But the more you notice it, the more you can challenge it.
The more you challenge it, the more you rewrite the story.
And over time? That voice in your head starts to sound less like a critic and more like a friend. A coach. A hype woman. A safe place.
You don’t have to do it perfectly.
You just have to keep showing up for yourself.
You are worthy of kind words—especially from you.
If you’re looking for more support on this journey, check out The Ultimate Guide to Building Self-Trust. It’s a great companion to this post and dives deeper into how to believe in yourself again.
So here’s my challenge for you:
Say something kind to yourself today. Out loud. Just one sentence.
Then try it again tomorrow. And the next day.
And if you try the journaling prompts or create your own image of the version of you you’ve been holding back—tag me or send it my way. I’d love to cheer her on, too. 💜
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