“Girl, who even am I anymore?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked myself that question. We are constantly changing and evolving. One day I was a 20-something marketing executive, climbing the corporate ladder with my color-coded planner and perfectly curated work wardrobe. The next day I’m a 30-something, stay-at-home mom, married, and adjusting to life with my first kid. It feels like every time I look up I’m a completely different person.
That identity whiplash is real. One minute I’m behind the camera, directing a shoot and helping entrepreneurs bring their visions to life, the next I’m Googling “is this rash normal?” at 3 AM while my baby finally sleeps. This transition has knocked me sideways. I’ve gone from creative projects and client meetings to diaper changes and feeding schedules. My conversations have shifted from discussing shot compositions to debating sleep training methods. And somewhere between the creative professional and the new mom, I’m struggling to hold onto who I actually am beneath all these roles.
Just yesterday, I was standing in my kitchen, wearing the same yoga pants I’ve had on for three days, singing a made-up song about bananas to make my baby laugh. When I caught my reflection in the microwave door, I barely recognized myself. Not because of the unwashed hair or the dark circles under my eyes, but because I realized I don’t know who this woman is anymore. What does she like? What makes her feel alive? What are her dreams beyond surviving the next sleep regression?
That’s why I’m embarking on this journey of self-discovery right now. Not to find my “old self” – she’s transforming with each passing day – but to get acquainted with who I’m becoming. I’m finding a way to be both someone’s mama and still my own person. Today, I’m sharing what I’ve learned along the way – the practical steps, the pitfalls to avoid, and the transformative practices that can help you begin your own journey of self-discovery. Consider me your big sister in this process, offering guidance with love but also the realness you need to hear!
Understanding Self-Discovery
Self-discovery is basically the process of getting to know yourself on a deeper level – your values, beliefs, passions, and purpose. It’s about peeling back the layers of who you think you should be to reveal who you truly are. I remember when I first started this journey, I was shocked to discover how many of my “preferences” were actually just things I’d adopted to please others or fit in!
The journey of self-discovery isn’t a destination you reach and then you’re done. It’s an ongoing process that evolves as you grow and change. Think of it as a relationship with yourself that needs regular attention and nurturing.
Self-discovery matters because it forms the foundation for almost everything else in your life. How can you make authentic choices about your career, relationships, or lifestyle if you don’t truly know yourself? My years spent as a videographer looked great on the outside, but on the inside, I felt a growing emptiness because I hadn’t done the work to understand what truly fulfilled me.
The benefits of self-discovery are endless, but some of the most significant include:
- Greater clarity in decision-making
- More authentic relationships
- Increased confidence and self-trust
- Better alignment between your values and your actions
- Reduced anxiety about “finding your purpose”
- Enhanced resilience during challenging times
Think about it this way: when you know yourself deeply, you become the author of your own story rather than a character in someone else’s narrative. And let me tell you, taking that authorship is one of the most empowering things you can do!
Begin With Self-Reflection
The first step in any self-discovery journey is creating space for self-reflection. I know, I know—in our busy lives, finding quiet time can feel impossible! But trust me, it’s worth making this a priority. If you have to literally schedule “me time” in your calendar like it’s a doctor’s appointment that can’t be missed, get it done.
Journaling has been one of the most powerful tools in my self-discovery toolkit. There’s something about getting all those thoughts out that accesses parts of your mind that regular thinking doesn’t reach. I still have my first self-discovery journal from years ago, and sometimes I read it just to see how far I’ve come!
The easiest way to start journaling is to not worry about the how. Sure it’s nice to set an ambiance, light candles, put on some low instrumental music, and create a little sanctuary for yourself, but you might not have time for all of that. Just pick up a notebook and pen and start writing. Use your phone if that’s easier. Or maybe you’re only able to grab one of your kid’s crayons and a spare piece of construction paper. Start with just 5-10 minutes a day. Sometimes, early morning works best before the world starts making demands. Other times, the quiet hours after everyone else has gone to bed provide the perfect reflection space. Find what works best for you and don’t sweat it if you have to change it more times than you might want to.
Try these prompts to get started:
- What brought me joy as a child that I’ve forgotten about?
- When do I feel most like myself?
- What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?
- What patterns keep showing up in my relationships?
- What parts of my identity feel imposed rather than chosen?
- How have cultural expectations shaped my self-image?
- When do I code-switch, and how does that affect my sense of self?
- What ancestral strengths do I carry that I can draw upon?
These questions might bring up difficult emotions or realizations, and that’s okay! The point isn’t to judge yourself but to observe with compassion. I remember breaking down in tears when I realized how much of my life had been spent trying to be what everyone wanted me to be rather than authentically me.
Another powerful reflection practice is the “values excavation” exercise. Take time to identify your core values—not what you think they should be, but what truly matters to you. When I did this, I was surprised to discover that creativity ranked higher for me than achievement, despite the fact that I’d been prioritizing achievement my entire life!
Remember, self-reflection isn’t about finding “right” answers. It’s about asking better questions and listening deeply to yourself. Sometimes the most valuable insights come from simply sitting with a question rather than rushing to answer it.
Explore Your Personal History
Our past shapes us in ways we often don’t realize. Taking time to explore your personal history can reveal patterns, influences, and pivotal moments that have contributed to who you are today.
Create a timeline of your life, marking significant events, transitions, and relationships. I did this exercise a few years ago and was amazed to see how certain periods that seemed insignificant at the time actually represented major shifts in my self-perception. Don’t just focus on the big achievements or obvious milestones—sometimes it’s the subtle experiences that have the most profound impact.
Examine your family dynamics and how they’ve influenced your beliefs and behaviors. This can be tricky territory, especially if you come from a background where certain topics weren’t discussed openly. In many Black families and other cultures, there can be unspoken rules about what gets talked about and what doesn’t. When I started exploring my family patterns, I realized I’d inherited both strengths (like resilience and resourcefulness) and limitations (like scarcity mindset).
Consider writing a letter to your younger self. What would you want her to know? What wisdom would you share? This exercise can be incredibly healing and revealing. I wrote a letter to my 13-year-old self who was trying so hard to fit in and hide her differences, and I found myself in tears recognizing how much of that young girl’s coping mechanisms I was still carrying as an adult.
Look for recurring themes in your life story. Do you often find yourself in similar situations or relationships? Do you notice patterns in how you respond to challenges? These patterns can offer valuable clues about your core beliefs and unconscious drivers.
Remember that exploring your past isn’t about dwelling there—it’s about understanding its influence so you can make more conscious choices moving forward. Some aspects of this exploration might be painful, so be gentle with yourself and consider working with a therapist or coach if you’re processing difficult experiences.
Identify Your Strengths and Weaknesses
Understanding your unique strengths and areas for growth is a crucial part of self-discovery. Too often, we focus on fixing our “flaws” without fully appreciating our natural talents and abilities.
Start by reflecting on what comes naturally to you. What activities make you lose track of time? What do others often compliment you on? I spent years downplaying my ability to connect deeply with people because it made me seem “too sensitive” compared to more tangible skills, only to realize later that this emotional intelligence was actually one of my greatest strengths!
Consider taking a strengths assessment like the VIA Character Strengths survey or CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder). These tools can provide language and framework for understanding your innate abilities. When I took StrengthsFinder in college, I discovered that “harmoney” was one of my top strengths—something I’d never thought to value before but that explained so much about what energizes me. Years later, I took StrengthsFinder again and was surprised to see what changed and what stayed the same.
Don’t shy away from identifying areas where you struggle. These aren’t character flaws—they’re opportunities for growth or areas where you might need support. I’m naturally sensitive to feedback, and for years I beat myself up about it until I realized I could either develop strategies to manage this tendency or collaborate with people who could help me navigate receiving constructive criticism.
Ask trusted friends what they see as your gifts. Sometimes others can recognize qualities in us that we take for granted. When I did this exercise, a friend pointed out my ambition—something I didn’t even know I had. It’s like if other people can see my determination, why can’t I?
Remember that strengths and weaknesses aren’t fixed. With awareness and practice, you can develop new capabilities and manage challenges more effectively. The goal isn’t to become “perfect” but to understand yourself well enough to make choices that align with your authentic nature.
Practice Mindfulness and Self-Awareness
Developing mindfulness—the practice of being fully present and aware without judgment—is essential for deeper self-discovery. It’s about learning to observe your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with curiosity rather than criticism.
One of my favorite mindfulness practices is dance meditation. It’s like having a heart-to-heart with yourself—no words needed, just movement. Let your body move freely, however it wants, and be fully present in the moment. When you dance without overthinking, you start tuning into your emotions, releasing stress, and uncovering parts of yourself that might’ve been buried under daily life. It’s a chance to reconnect with your intuition, shake off negativity, and just be.
Pay attention to your physical responses throughout the day. Our bodies often signal emotions and preferences before our conscious minds catch up. I’ve learned to recognize the slight tightening in my chest that happens when I’m about to agree to something that doesn’t align with my values.
Notice your emotional reactions without immediately acting on them. Practice creating a pause between stimulus and response. It’s kind of like when you want to buy something but you give yourself time to really think about it instead of buying on impulse. This has been game-changing for me in both personal and professional situations. Instead of reacting immediately when triggered, I can now (usually!) take a breath and choose my response.
Track your energy levels throughout the day and week. What activities, environments, or people energize you? Which ones drain you? This awareness can help you make choices that support your well-being. I discovered that while I love my alone time, I do need some face-to-face human interaction in order to feel inspired and recharged. I wouldn’t have recognized that without intentional self-observation.
Consider keeping a mindfulness journal where you regularly check in with yourself. Simple prompts like “What am I feeling right now?” or “What do I need today?” can foster greater self-awareness over time.
Remember that mindfulness isn’t about achieving a particular state—it’s about developing the capacity to be with whatever arises with openness and curiosity. This skill is invaluable for self-discovery because it allows you to see yourself more clearly, without the distortion of judgment or avoidance.
Experiment and Try New Things
Self-discovery flourishes when you step outside your comfort zone and experiment with new experiences. How can you know what resonates with you if you never try anything different?
Make a list of things you’ve always been curious about but haven’t tried. Maybe it’s a hobby, a style of expression, or a way of living. Start with small, low-risk experiments. I’d always been curious about scrapbooking but dismissed it as something I wouldn’t have time for. After my wedding, I had not only a gang of photos but I also had a bunch of little souvenirs like the wristband from the bar we went to the night before or the stickers I used for the wedding favors. I decided to try creating a simple memory book. What started as just a way to organize photos has evolved into a creative passion that gives me a tangible way to preserve our family stories and connect with my heritage.
Give yourself permission to be a beginner. One of the biggest obstacles to trying new things is the fear of looking foolish or incompetent. I had to remind myself repeatedly that everyone starts somewhere! As women, many of us have felt pressure to be exceptional just to be accepted, which can make the vulnerability of being a novice particularly challenging.
Try different forms of creative expression. Whether it’s writing, dancing, painting, or cooking, creative activities can reveal aspects of yourself that logical thinking can’t access. I am a planner girlie but all the planners I came across were too rigid and just not what I was looking for. Then I started bullet journaling which gave me the flexibility to create all kinds of different spreads and systems that ultimately helped me to clarify my passions, strengths, and long-term goals.
Examine your career preferences honestly. I used to think I wanted a job with lots of travel. As a videographer, I got to visit different cities but the reality of constant flights, sleeping in hotels, and being away from my now husband wasn’t actually fulfilling for me. That discovery taught me how much I value stability and connection in my daily life.
Be willing to revisit activities or interests you previously dismissed or abandoned. Our tastes and preferences evolve over time, and sometimes past wounds can heal. I used to journal constantly as a kid until my mom read one of my journals. I stopped immediately, afraid of someone seeing my intimate thoughts. It wasn’t until 8-10 years ago, when I first started my self-discovery practice, that I finally returned to journaling. Now it’s become one of my most treasured tools for understanding myself and processing life’s transitions.
Remember that the goal isn’t to find activities you’re “good at” but to discover what brings you joy, meaning, or a sense of flow. Some of my most rewarding pursuits are ones where I’ll never be exceptional by external standards, but that fulfill me in ways nothing else can.
Build a Support System
Self-discovery isn’t meant to be a solitary journey. Having the right support system can make all the difference in your ability to explore, reflect, and grow authentically.
Identify people in your life who support your growth and self-exploration. These are the friends who ask thoughtful questions, listen without judgment, and encourage you to be your authentic self. Look for a small circle of friends who will be with you through every twist and turn of your journey, celebrating your discoveries and holding space for your struggles.
Consider working with a therapist, coach, or mentor who can provide professional guidance. Having someone objective to help you navigate your self-discovery process can be invaluable. I talked about my experience with coaching in a previous blog post. She helped me recognize patterns I couldn’t see on my own and provided tools for working through blocks that had hindered my growth for years.
Join communities or groups centered around growth and self-discovery. Whether it’s a book club, a spiritual community, or a personal development workshop, being around others on a similar journey can provide both support and inspiration. Find a women’s circle that meets monthly to discuss your growth journeys, The collective wisdom and support in that space can be incredibly transformative. If you can’t find one, start one!
Create spaces where you can be fully yourself without code-switching or self-censoring. For many Black women and people from marginalized groups, having communities where you don’t have to explain or translate your experiences is essential for authentic self-discovery. I have different friend groups that nourish different parts of me – my professional network, my spiritual community, my creative friends – and each one sees and supports a different facet of who I am.
Share your journey with trusted others, but be selective about who you invite into your vulnerable spaces. Not everyone deserves access to your inner world, especially when you’re in processes of growth and change. I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) that some people are uncomfortable with change and may consciously or unconsciously try to keep you in your familiar roles.
Build reciprocal relationships where growth is mutually encouraged. The most sustainable connections are those where everyone is supported in their evolution. My closest friendships have evolved alongside my self-discovery journey, with each of us holding space for the other’s transformation.
Remember that support can take many forms. Sometimes you need cheerleaders who believe in you unconditionally. Other times you need honest mirrors who will reflect back what you might not want to see. The strongest support systems include both.
Embrace Discomfort and Uncertainty
Let’s get real – self-discovery isn’t always comfortable! Some of the most valuable insights come from embracing the discomfort and uncertainty that arise during this journey.
Recognize that discomfort is often a sign of growth. When you feel that flutter of anxiety or resistance, it might be pointing toward an important area for exploration rather than a signal to retreat. I used to avoid any conversation that made me uncomfortable until I realized those were precisely the discussions that led to my greatest breakthroughs.
Be willing to question your long-held beliefs and identities. This can feel threatening initially because these structures have given your life meaning and stability. But holding them lightly allows you to distinguish between what truly resonates and what you’ve simply inherited or adopted. As a Black woman raised in a religious household, questioning some of my inherited beliefs felt almost disrespectful at first, but ultimately led to a faith that feels authentic rather than imposed.
Accept that self-discovery isn’t linear. You’ll have moments of clarity followed by periods of confusion. That’s not failure—it’s part of the process! I’ve had times when I felt completely lost after thinking I had everything figured out, only to emerge with an even deeper understanding of myself. It’s an endless cycle.
Practice sitting with uncertainty rather than rushing to premature conclusions. Our brains crave certainty, but growth happens in the questions, not just the answers. I’ve learned to say “I don’t know yet” more often, giving myself permission to exist in that space of openness and possibility.
Look for the lessons in challenging experiences. Some of my most profound self-discoveries came through navigating difficult circumstances that forced me to draw on resources I didn’t know I had. That time I was in grad school and failed my preliminary exams? It eventually led me to quit school and discover work that aligned much better with my values and strengths.
Remember that discomfort doesn’t equal harm. Learning to distinguish between productive discomfort (which leads to growth) and harmful situations (which undermine your well-being) is an important skill. I’ve developed a practice of checking in with my body when facing discomfort: does this feel like healthy stretching or like something breaking?
Trust that you can handle the uncertainty of becoming. The you that emerges through this process may be different than you imagined, and that’s okay. The authentic self is often more complex, nuanced, and surprising than our initial conceptions.
Integrate and Apply Your Insights
Self-discovery isn’t just about accumulating insights—it’s about integrating what you learn into your daily life and decisions. This is where real transformation happens.
Review your journal entries and reflections periodically to identify recurring themes and insights. Look for patterns that might indicate core values or needs. When I did this, I noticed that situations where I felt most alive always involved creative expression, deep connection, and making a difference—three values that now guide my major life decisions.
Translate your self-knowledge into concrete changes. Small shifts in your daily routines can reflect and reinforce your emerging self-awareness. After realizing how much I value beauty and order in my environment, I made time in my daily routine to tidy and clean so that my living space supports my well-being every day.
Practice making decisions based on your authentic preferences rather than external expectations. Start with low-stakes choices and work your way up to bigger ones. I began by choosing how I wanted to spend my rare free time—reading a novel instead of catching up on household chores, or taking a bath instead of answering emails—then gradually applied this authenticity to career decisions and parenting approaches.
Share your insights with trusted others who can help hold you accountable to your true self. When I articulated my need for creative expression to my husband, he began checking in on my creative practices and even encouraged me to create when I felt sad.
Be patient with yourself as you align your life with your emerging self-understanding. Change takes time, especially when it involves long-established patterns. I found it helpful to focus on progress rather than perfection, celebrating small shifts toward greater authenticity.
Remember that self-discovery is ongoing—as you implement changes based on your current insights, new discoveries will emerge. The journey doesn’t end; it evolves as you do. What felt authentic to me five years ago has shifted as I’ve continued to grow and learn.
Conclusion
Starting your journey of self-discovery is one of the most courageous and rewarding investments you can make in yourself. As we’ve explored, this path isn’t always straightforward or comfortable, but it leads to a life of greater authenticity, purpose, and fulfillment.
Remember that self-discovery isn’t about finding some fixed, perfect version of yourself that’s been hiding all along. It’s about creating an ongoing relationship with yourself characterized by curiosity, compassion, and growth. I’ve been on this journey for years now, and I continue to uncover new facets of myself—that’s the beauty of it!
The practices we’ve discussed—self-reflection, exploring your history, identifying strengths and weaknesses, seeking diverse perspectives, practicing mindfulness, experimenting with new experiences, building support systems, embracing uncertainty, and integrating insights—are tools you can return to again and again throughout your life.
I encourage you to start where you are, with what you have. You don’t need special qualifications or perfect circumstances to begin this journey—just a willingness to look inward with honesty and compassion. What small step could you take today to begin or deepen your self-discovery practice?
I’d love to hear about your experiences on this path! What practices have been most helpful for you? What insights have surprised you? What challenges have you encountered? Share your thoughts in the comments, and let’s continue supporting each other in this beautiful, ongoing journey of becoming.
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